Monday, September 17, 2012
Why is it so challenging to self affirm? Why do negative words come so easily when said to ourselves? Most of us keep ourselves in check when we feel the need to say something negative to someone else so why do we say such nasty things to ourselves. We all give support to others in need so freely but often we deny ourselves the same. We look for the good in others but are often blind to what is good within us.
For the past couple of months I have not been verbally kind to myself. I have told myself that I can't: get a good job, make enough money to support my family, advance myself socially and professionally. I've also told myself that I don't: matter, have the strength to carry on, have the the experience and talent to make something of myself in this stage of my life. I have even told myself that I'm not: good enough, smart enough, capable enough. Why exactly do I do that to myself? This self sabotage is ridiculous! I can't expect to be, do and have the things I want when I'm the one who's keeping all those things distant.
I was given an assignment of sorts by my therapist who is helping me through my divorce. She told me to go home and write down ten or more things that I appreciate about myself. They can be attributes I have or actions I embody. At first I thought ten would be easy, no sweat I can totally come up with that, but then I sat down to start the list and I was challenged once again by all those negative thoughts about myself. For every one positive thing I came up with at least five negative things accompanied it. As I progressed with my list it became easier to think of positive things while not having so many negative thoughts sprouting up.
So far I've come up with fifteen things I see in myself. They are:
*able to adjust easily
*capable (this came up after I took my dryer door off and dismantled it so that I could attache it to open the other way)
*coordinated (in terms of athletic and physical activity)
*good with kids
I'm sure with more time and focus I could come up with some more but this will do for now. It's funny how this small list with positive qualities has made me feel better already. Now the idea is for me to incorporate them into my daily self talk. There is no need for negative words to be scuttling around in my head and heart. I am a good, kind and loving person to those around me and it is imperative that I be good, kind and loving to myself.
From now on it's only I can, I do, and I am...
Friday, September 14, 2012
Ok so it's not a photo of me doing yoga but it does reflect the topic of this post. Changes big and small have been happening for me since the last post. The most recent change is my hair. I got it cut Saturday. I had been growing my hair to donate to Locks of Love. (This is the 5th time I have donated.) I had been talking about cutting it for weeks. Finally Saturday morning I couldn't go another day without cutting it. I decided to go extreme and get a pixie cut. So I walked into the salon with one end goal; cut the hair and get rid of the memories and negative energy it contained. My hair wasn't doing me any favors but it certainly could do a great deal of good for someone else. After all, since the separation and progress of the divorce I needed to establish a completely new version of me.
Since the last time I donated my hair; my family bought a house and moved into it, we were separated for 9 months when my ex took a job across the country, we endured a difficult move from MD to UT, I suffered the continued breakdown of my marriage, we went through marriage and personal counseling, I processed the loss of my business that was beginning to prosper, I have been trying and not really succeeding in finding gainful employment in UT and ultimately we are going ahead in the dissolution of our marriage. That's a lot to be carrying around on my head, literally and figuratively.
Now I've lightened my load. I am, by way of my hair, letting go of the past and making way for the future. I have cleared the path for new growth, personally and professionally. I'm getting positive feedback and it feels great. I must admit it also feels good to shock the bejesus out of people! To do something so unexpected that it makes the people around me place more consideration on me and what I stand for. Not only do people see me as selfless by helping such a great cause but they see me as a daring and spontaneous person who can roll with the punches and come up with a smile on my face no matter how extreme the outcome. I also needed to do this to remind myself that no matter how I look, how I feel, or how things seem to be, I am the only one who can make myself truly happy. There may not be any asana reflected in the photo but there is yoga none the less. Mental and emotional yoga is just as, if not more, important than the physical portion of the practice. Heaven knows that even though my physical yoga is lacking these days I am doing more mental and emotional yoga than I have done in years.